"It doesn't have to be perfect"

Last night, after I got off work, I came home, then changed and rushed out the door to head to a birthday gathering at a place called Sips 'n' Strokes in Marietta.

I really didn't know what to expect except for painting and wine, which was good enough for me.

When I got there, I thought I was going to be late, so i was already nervous, and I hadn't pre-registered for the class, so I was nervous that it was full, not to mention there were probably 50+ people in the building, all dressed down and casual, and I'm dressed up and in knee-high high-heeled boots. lol. great. But I decided that it was going to be good and not to worry. Everything ended up working out, and one of the girls ended up bringing Chocolate wine. :)


As we started to get ready to paint, the instructor was prepping us, and one of the first things that came out of her mouth was "it doesnt have to be perfect.. this is very loose, very whimsical." That went in one ear and right out the other, as it usually always does. I can never seem to take that saying to heart, "it doesnt have to be perfect."

After the fourth or fifth time she said it to us, while we were painting, I said "that's good to know for all the perfectionists in here." and the girl next to me asked if i was a perfectionist. I said yes, then added that I was very artsy... then it kinda hit me that artsy fartsy and perfectionism do NOT go hand in hand, and that eventually, my true artsy self will have to accept that, so she can be free, and the perfectionist has to stop being the controlling pessimist that she is.


Anyways... I decided then and there that this would be very therapeutic for me, and that.....It really DIDNT have to be perfect. Once I decided that, it was actually very freeing...

As my freehand painting started coming together, it was quite relaxing, and I let go of my mentality that painting had to look like an exact replica of an Ansel Adams photograph.. (See how unrealistic my expectations on myself are?)

What's the fun in setting yourself up for failure, and ultimately failing, anyways?
Cody said something pretty profound one time.. he said, you never learn unless you fail... That's one of the hardest things for me to accept.
I love to learn, I love it.... but i HATE failing, almost more than anything. But the two go hand in hand.... it really is a successful love-hate relationship.

How paradoxical -

in this cool real-life application last night, I completely failed at what my expectations were of what I thought I needed to do for this painting---but what did I learn? That in the failing, it was still beautiful, and more unique, more... me.

:)













.....And I was truly happy.

Fearful, Wonderful, -Breathtaking..

A verse came to my mind a few moments ago, and unfortunately I didn't know the reference, so what did i do? What we all do when we don't know something that we want to know - GOOGLE IT.(i hope you donate to charities, Google Man)

(Biblegateway is a marvelous site, btw.)

Anywho, I typed in the words "fearfully and wonderfully" and this is what came up, that stopped me in my tracks, and literally drove me to tears..


13-16 "Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—You're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day."






....Wow... I just read it again and started crying. Yes... I'm a cryer..


Have you ever had one of those days when you just mess up? Or one of those days when you continually mess up? Or one of those days when you just ARE a mess up?
Well, I've had probably the world's share of those days, and I hate to say I have a terribly inkling that they won't stop here.

This is about to get very personal.



Over the past few years, I've realized so much about myself... things I wanted to know, and many...MANY things I did NOT.

One thing that has been a major, MAJOR issue in my life since...i dunno - about a year and a half old - has been acceptance, and abandonment.

That's right.... i have never felt good enough. But seriously - there's not a whole lot of people who do. and the one's that do feel good enough, usually aren't and will come off their high horse soon enough.

But the things that I've struggled with for so long are so unreasonable, very illogical, and just.... wrong. But inside my brain, and inside my heart.... they're so real, and so right... which is wrong.. (sry if that's confusing)

I was born an extremely, painfully introverted person. God made me introverted. (My own boyfriend doesn't even believe me, cause I've had 21 years of practice to trick the world into thinking I'm not) According to my mother, for the first few years of my life, I never cried, I never laughed, I never did anything more than grunt or gurgle a little, maybe a little whimper here and there. I was extremely observant, and not very responsive.. She actually took me to a doc to see if I was mentally retarted.... that's how introverted I am, naturally.

As I got older, I stayed pretty much the same, only talking and interacting with anyone who was very VERY close to me, even crying if I had to ask for a straw at a restaurant.

All of the observing of my older brother saved my hind quarters from alot of spankings, because he got 99% of them. He was the loud-mouthed, hyper-active, trouble-maker, and I saw this did NOT please mom, so of course, I chose to avoid those things.

In school, I imitated just the same as with my brother - watching the kids around me to see what teachers responded positively too, and avoiding the negative responses at ALL costs. I learned quickly, and excelled quickly, too. I stayed quiet, and never initiated friendships, but a very few amount of them from the ones who did.

It wasn't until middle school that I felt that I could actually start to try and imitate what I thought got the positive responses out of people. I started liking boys, so I tried to copy the girls that the boys liked. I started seeing who was "popular" so I was nice to them, to be in the "in crowd." I did all my work and only visited the principals office when I was called to go home early for some reason or another..

I started pursuing music at about that age too....
I was drawn to a pentecostal church that one of my best friends went too, and somehow, they found out i could sing....
(I actually remember being in the back seat of a sweet lady's car that was giving me rides to church, and a song came on the radio. i started singing softly, and she turned around in shock saying that I sounded JUST like the radio and that I needed to sing at their church.)
Of course, I liked the positive response from her, but had NO idea what would come of that. I obliged to singing at the church, and sang very softly, resentfully, bashfully, almost ashamedly infront of the youth group, and everyone went bonkers.

My mom started asking me if I wanted to pursue music, and I guess I shrugged and agreed, hesitantly. So my mom, being the 'doer' that she is, set up a trip to my aunt and uncle's music studio down in florida, and i recorded a 5 song demo of popular early 2000's contemporary Christian music.. We did a photo shoot for pictures, and mass produced cd's that she started giving to everyone she knew, from friends and family to radio stations and record labels.. got me into voice lessons which i was only in for about 2 sessons (hated music theory) and started booking me to sing at churches/events.
I liked the fact that people liked SOMETHING about me. I almost thrived off of it, because it meant that they were accepting me...

Deep down, I hated it and resented singing all the time infront of people, because I felt like that was the ONLY way that they would like me, if I did something that I really really DIDNT want to do ------ be EXTROVERTED and make myself vulnerable infront of groups of people to either be pleased or disappointed.

I became my own worst critic.... I learned QUICKLY what flat and sharp notes were and that they weren't good at ALL, and got REALLY bad reactions out of people, and would beat myself up terribly if i hit even a hair of a flat or sharp note during ANY performance.

My mom kept asking me if this was what I wanted to do, and if I was sure that I wanted this, and I kept saying yes, because I liked that people liked something that I was doing..... But every single time I would get ready to get up somewhere and sing, I would be in TEARS and practically vomitting from stage fright, shaking, nervous, angry, irritated that I had to do it, but still doing it... Then afterwards, people would tell me "great job" and I would NOT believe them..
All that went through my head was how stupid i looked up there and how much i messed up and everything else.

Recording was no different. I had SOOOOOO many opportunities to record with SO many wonderful producers and studios and musicians and artists, but when writing or recording a song, I never ever ever was pleased and would be in the studio for HOURS upon HOURS upon HOURS just because it was never good enough. (I know there's a thing called "auto-tune" and what not to make people that DONT sound good, TRY to sound good, but it wasn't enough... i had to be perfect.)

Until I was about 16, this went on and on and on... all the same...
I wanted to sing, I wanted to be a singer - yadda yadda - but I was either too young, or I put myself under too much pressure or whatever the case may be..

When I was 15 or 16, I was under a management contract that was definitely NOT contemporary Christian by any stretch of the imagination, and the songs/dances/clothes/places they were wanting me to sing/dance/wear/go were extremely uncomfortable for me. And of course, for me to say ANYTHING that displeased ANYONE was out of the question for me, but my mom started sensing that I was uncomfortable, and it even got to the point where I broke down and cried in the studio (told you i was a cryer) during the middle of recording a song, and my manager said I was a waste. A waste of everyone's time and money and they I needed her, she didn't need me, that she could go out and anyone would love to be in my shoes, and I was ungrateful... All those things...

In the back of my mind, I'd always thought those things about myself, but no one had every actually come out and told me, until this point.... and as soon as those words hit my ears.... it stuck. Didn't have to tell me twice.. I was done..

I told my mom no more, no more singing, no more recording, no more. I was done.
And of course, I felt even more like a failure because of all my mom had put into investing into me and my "talent" that it all just went down the drain, and I was afraid God was NEVER going to give me anything again, because I just slammed a door of blessing in his face.... Oh the turmoil my soul was in. It was bad.

It was about that time that alot of drama was happening at my little private christian school, too, that went haywire, and i asked my mom to pull me out of the school so i could finish early and graduate early and be done. I told you... i was DONE. with everything. My relationship with my boyfriend, pretty much all my friends, my music, everything. I had no motivation, I was just... done, because I felt like a failure and a waste of space and breath and time and energy and everything else. I was a waste, and had proved it, time and time and time again.

I feel like I lived two lives as a teenager, because that's only one side of the story.... that's only the music side.... the other side is just about as long, but has alot more to do with the relational side of my life as a teenager - going through trying to find who i was- being good enough - STAYING good enough... eating disorders, obsessiveness, addictions, confusion, experimenting, just a mess... I was a mess up. I tried to go to counseling, I tried talking to friends, who just stabbed me in the back, I tried going to my boyfriend, who ultimately ended up saying he just couldn't handle me and more- thus proving even more that i was a failure at LIFE.


I was so.... so lost.

Anyways--
that's a little bit of my story just to tell you this..



My number one struggle is feeling worthy or deserving of anything good, anything special, anything gentle and loving....
I feel like everyone sees exactly what they want to see in me - because it's what I show... I show everything that anyone wants me to be -
happy ALL the time, giddy, smart, charming, poised, beautiful, graceful, responsible, funny, creative, sexy.... anything that someone would consider just AWESOME qualities in someone else... that's what I have become. Or that's what I show that I have become.Not to say that my character is not some of those things, but I have just learned and adapted so much to what everyone else wants, that I don't know what I want, and i don't know who I am.

there have been a few times when I have shown my true colors to a select few people,
and needless to say - they aren't here.
I feel like I have put such high standards on myself, that when I fall short of even one thing or another, I have failed miserably as a human being, and deserve nothing short of abandonment and rejection.

What a sucky life to live.

But I am learning. Slowly, but surely I am learning..

I am learning that the real me is not always happy all of the time, and that's okay.
I am learning that the real me is not always beautiful, not always so sly and charming, not always sexy or appealing, not always clean and neat and tidy in a stepford-wife kind of way.
I am learning that I forget things.
I am learning that I lose things.
I am learning that I don't think before I do some things.
I am learning that I can get disorganized if I dont stay focused.
I am learning that I dont have to like everything that people think I like.
I am learning that I do have an addictive personality.
I am learning that I can be co-dependent.
I am learning that I love, and I love hard.
I am learning that I am unique.
I am learning that I am beautiful.
I am learning that it's okay to admit things- like my pleasures, and my hurts, my past and my dreams.

I am learning to be loved. I honestly didn't have the slightest clue what that meant before, and still am having a hard time truly understanding it... But I am learning.

I am learning that every child, every infant deserves to be coddled and loved and cherished and taken care of and told sweet, endearing, loving, nurturing things from all around them... even if they don't get those things.

I am learning that I'm now crossing over the line from girl to young lady to woman, and as a woman, I'm learning the things I SHOULD be, and the things I NEED to be, and the things I really am.. and learning to accept those things.

But what I am learning most of all is that deep inside, I'm still that little, precious baby girl, that was fearfully, wonderfully, marveously hand-crafted, inch by inch, piece by piece, carefully and intricately, just the way that I am supposed to be. There were no mess up's when the Creator was sculpting me, there were no mistakes... There were no blemishes, and He spent more time creating the perfection that He calls me than I can ever truly understand.




.... and I cry, yet again..

I've grown up hearing the somewhat cliche of "If you feel like you're being attacked, you probably are, because you're a threat to the enemy."

Basically - In the Christian walk, when you KNOW you're doing the right thing, following the will of God, being Christ-like in obeying, and bearing fruits of the Spirit, then you will probably experience things that feel like "why is this happening to me? i haven't done anything wrong, as a matter of fact, I'M DOING THINGS RIGHT FOR ONCE!" Usually, for me, when this happens, it means that I've become more than a blip on the enemy's radar, and he's taking note of the changes I'm executing in my life. I've become a threat. I'm no longer sitting on my rear, waiting for something to change, but I'm BEING the change, and he doesn't appreciate it, so he feels he has to throw things at me to complicate the situation, and trip me all up. He thinks, "maybe she'll get mad a God and throw the towel in and become complacent again....Maybe she'll turn her back on God because she thinks she's being punished for no reason."

Well, what the enemy should know by now, is that when he does those dumb little games, it always draws me closer to my Defender. Think about this for a second -

When a child is small, and for the first few years of life, has been completely dependent on their parent(s) for everything, and starts venturing out... they find something that scares them a bit, or they fall and scrape a knee, or a playmate steals toys, beats up on them a bit... whatever the case may be... what does the child revert back to? Normally, the child - no matter how independent - will always run back to and search for and cry for and reach for what they know has taken care of them and who they know will protect and defend and care for them....

It's the same instance here --

I'm just a baby, still... learning that since before I was even thought of, that I was protected, nurtured, cared for, fought for, cherished, loved, adored... So, naturally, where all of that stems from - God - would be innate inside of me to revert back to. A great mentor told me recently that humans will resort back to whatever is natural to them.... that can be a bit scary, or a bit of a relief.

So... going back to the attacking thing -
When the big bad bully tries to come and beat up on me a bit, then I know instead of trying to fend for myself, i have a Warrior for my cause! So I run as fast as I can back to Him and tattle on the devil, then let Daddy take care of the rest.

The last blog I posted was about how I felt a change brewing, and things started to roll on those changes...

Now, as things are progressively changing and things are becoming more clear and more evident, I don't think that the devil is too pleased, and has decided to try and throw me off...


The coolest thing that I've noticed, is that I RECOGNIZE these obstacles as attacks from the devil, and not as punishment from a God who is just trying to catch me at something I do wrong. I've been very human over the past few months, and my Father has seriously worked on my heart a lot about those things. He's made all my shortcomings very clear to me, but not in a harsh, abrasive manner, and with all the love in the world has told me how to correct them. Yes, I have faced consequences, but now, since I'm making the changes and cutting that garbage out of my life, I no longer am facing consequences, but I'm facing the pissed off enemy who doesn't like when I obey the King...

[wait... whoops... can i say pissed off? well... i just did. :)]

It's a very, very interesting time for me, because I am learning that each circumstance I go through has shown me more and more that it DOES NOT DEFINE ME.
Each circumstance may test me - my character - but scripture tells me that through trials come perseverance, and through perseverance comes strength and through strength, character is molded and birthed into something beautiful...

hmm... now that i think about it... a while back, i was praying that my true character would come to fruition..... Guess i know now better than to pray for that or patience. HA!


Anyways - it just goes to show that change happens, change brings A LOT of traveling companions, and does NOT pack lightly..... But what have I been saying for the past year??

MAKE.A.DIFFERENCE.

Difference is change.

Change is good.

Good is God.

God is Love.

:)

I guess that's really all there is to it.

Changing; 4 quarters for 1 dollar.

You can look at change one of two ways: Positively... or negatively.

Postively: Change is good!I can use change for my benefit, and to help benefit others.
Negatively: Change is inevitable and always leaves everything a mess and leaves me disoriented and having to start all over again.


I think I'm doing a fairly decent job of looking at change in the more positive light.

There's alot that we all need to change, and change is going to come. As weird as this sounds, I'm really looking forward to it.

I've recognized the obvious, that change needs to happen.
I've acknowledged the areas of my life that REALLY need to change.
I've taken steps towards starting to change them.
I'm ready for the change.


Tonight, I had a long overdue date night with my awesome mom. She's quite the novel character, unique, interesting, but beautiful all the same. I talked to her tonight about how I am, which is a rarity for me. When people ask me "how are you" I don't like to say anything except "GREAT!" because it would mean I have to open up again, and most people don't have the time, patience, understanding, or even interest to know... But I do like to talk about what's going on in me every now and then, when I know the person asking really cares.

I told her about some things that have surfaced from the abyss inside me over the past few months, well... years... and about how I've come to realize all of this, and about what I know I need to work on. She shared with me some great insights that I know are true, and I have heard before, especially recently, but have never grasped.

I.e., I can't understand the meaning of being selfish. Not self-absorbed, but selfish in a healthy way..... Acknowledging my NEEDS and wants, VOICING them, and ACTING on them. Not being inconsiderate of others, but being considerate of myself. I just can't seem to understand that. In every area of my life, I've always heard and seen and been taught "selflessness" so that's all I've known.
I don't know the line. I can't distinguish what it means to have 'personal days' without feeling guilty!! I know, I'm messed up.

That's just one of the issues, but its a good one, and one that I know I need to change, and I know can be changed. I've already made slight progress since starting this journey. I repeat, SLIGHT progress.

There's other issues that are deep-rooted and painful and confusing to me, because the synapses in my brain arent working right when it comes to comprehending ideas of 'love' or 'abandonment' or 'independence' or 'self-love' and then how it all comes into conjunction with Christ, the Word, the Church, relationships... ugh. It's all so confusing to me.

I haven't stopped thinking about Africa, and still, in my head, I still think of African words before I think of English words, and I don't stop thinking about my precious little ones at the orphanages, schools and rescue center. I was driving the other day, and for a split second, it hit me that "I really just got back from AFRICA. Like, Seriously, just got on a plane, flew to A continent halfway across the world, for TWO MONTHS, and just came back from that. woah" and the same amount of time it took to come into my head is the same amount of time it took to leave it. I still am not sure how to process all of this.

A good friend who has been to Africa before told me that she doesnt think it will actually hit me for about 6 months. 6 MONTHS!?? WHAT IN THE WORLD! But it makes sense.... Right now the team is getting readjusted to American life without becoming complacent and still having the burn in our hearts and minds and spirits of the whole trip, the whole experience. I think there should be a support group for this kinda stuff lol.

But anyways, I just wanted to update, and let everyone know where I'm at incase you saw any funny status updates on facebook and were wondering what was going on.

I am hopeful and curious and non-anxious about what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months, and will definitely keep updating.


From the sounds of it, good things in music should be coming up soon, too. :D Thank God. I just wanna sing. that's all. And hopefully make a difference somewhere, somehow doing it.


Anyways, remember to make a difference in someones day today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next.... I'm sure if you're reading this, you've probably made one in mine, so Thanks! Seriously.




Love love love


Christiana

Readjusting

How do you really readjust to life the "way it was" when you've just experienced something life altering??
I guess you really can't.. I don't think you're meant too.

I know that I can't be the same.

My life since we got back from Africa has been......... i don't really know.
I'm trying hard not to fall back into the old ways of life - rushing around non stop, not taking time for me, doing doing doing doing doing, filling my schedule, being late, wishin i had more hours in a day, being in a constant state of worry...
I dont want to be that any more.

Africa taught me so many things... one of which is that you really don't have time to waste time, and the best way to use that, is sometimes wasting time. Especially with God.

I read an amazing book that has really changed my life in a lot of ways - "Into Abba's Arms" by Sandra D. Wilson, and one thing she wisely stated was, "it's OKAY to waste time with God."
What a cool statement... that God has all the time in the world, literally, and we have the time to waste it with Him. As a matter of fact, who says its really "wasting" time anyways, when its possibly the greatest investment of your time?

Thats one thing I learned. I also learned some time management as weird as that is. I seem to be not rushing around any more.. In Kenya, I heard a saying from a wise man - "No hurry, no worry." That's SO true. If you're not rushing and hurrying everywhere and with everything you do, you won't have to worry... you can actually enjoy what youre doing when you're doing it. There was one time at an orphanage in Kakamega, Kenya, when we had probably the most slow-paced 2 weeks during the whole trip, and alot of people might get frusterated at the slowness, but I loved everything being pole pole (slow). I loved being able to just walk around, watch people, write in my journal, talk, think, pray, read.... I loved it. So I guess now that I'm back, I've kinda calmed down a bit on all my hurriedness. It just makes sense. Leave more cushion time for things you do, and you wont have to rush, and you can look around you and really feel things, use all your senses, and not be numb.

Of course, getting back to work, getting back to the making appointments and meeting up and being certain places at certain times is something that I have to do in this culture, just like we had to wear long skirts and eat alot of food in the African culture. I'm okay with it for now, just taking things a day at a time.
My best friend told me that something clicked to her one time over the summer...

That in scripture, in Psalms, it says "Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path", and she said she realized that it could possibly mean that God is the light for our feet, and the path to where we're going, like holding a flashlight. It helps you to see, but not very far ahead, and not very much around you, just one step at a time, one foot in front of the other... I am taking life back in the states that way.... One day, one step, one foot at a time... And so far, its working, because all I can really do is trust that God knows, even if I dont.


I want to continue to make a difference in peoples lives, here, and in Africa, and wherever I go...
I want to be the person that stands true to their word when they say they're going to do something like "go back" or "send letters" or "donate."


I hope that you are somehow challenged in your life to do the same... make a difference somewhere, in some way.

There's more than just you in this planet, just like there's more than just me... and we are here for each other... really.


So what will it be today? What about tomorrow?


Nakupenda sana

All Good Things Come To An End.... Do They Really?

So here I sit, my last day in Africa.... trying to reflect, and feeling myself get quite emotional...You know that feeling you get in your stomach that kinda builds up to towards your chest, then your throat... yeah its that one.


As ready as I am to go home and have had quite enough of squattie potties and fatty beef and bumpy roads.... I think I'm really... REALLY sad about leaving.. Seems paradoxical. There have been some really really great times that I will never forget, and there have also been some times that I wish I could forget, but have shaped me all the same.

Since I last wrote, we have had a a good time.. i can tell that everyone here is getting QUITE comfortable with each other and you know the closer you are with people, it can get pretty ugly at times. But its also good because of the friendships that are being created. It was really hard to say goodbye to the other team, because we built some really great friendships there, and didnt want to see that part of the group leave. I know that they were such a great and important part of the team that wouldnt have been without them! They brought so much life and laughter to the group and I know to Africa!!

A few days later, when we had to painfully rip ourselves out of the arms of the children at the orphange... that was a whole different story. Spending 2 whole weeks, day in and day out with these amazing kids - living their lives, experiencing everything they experienced, learning their culture and language, digging into their lives, getting to know them, and letting them inside our hearts - was incredible. There were so many children there at the orphanage that it was hard to spend enough time with each one, but there were certain children that each of us were drawn to, and ended up falling hard for them... in my case, there were a few, but two in particular. One was a teenage boy named Duncan, and a teenage girl named Princess Diana. (Her mom named her Princess Diana in memory of the real princess Diana the year she died) They all seem alot younger than they really are, because they are a tad malnourished and dont have the nutrients to grow like kids in other countries. Duncan, who was 15, looked as though he was about 13, and Diana looked about 11 or 12. They were both very intelligent, and both so loving. Diana absolutely caught my heart and made her home there. Duncan took a bit longer, but towards the end of the two weeks, he started referring to me as Mommy and Cody as Daddy. Princess referred to me as Queen Christiana and Cody as King Kubwa. The letters the kids wrote to us were heart wrenching, and there were so many tears shed. I am about to burst out crying right now just thinking about them and the way Duncan, a 15 year old boy, prideful and all, fell on me and hugged me tighter than ever, and wept into my shirt.. and Diana's tears streaming down her face, asking me not to leave.

It broke my heart more than anything.. I hate goodbyes anyways, no matter if they're short or if they're forever. I HATE goodbyes. I hate leaving people, and I hate when people leave me. could have something to do with my abandonment issues, but thats another story.

Anyways, so i cried for about 30 minutes after we left the orphanage, and once we got to Eldoret, things were a bit different. We were pretty busy every day with different things:

the first few days, we worked at a Rescue Centre for Street Children. That was pretty amazing, seeing kids who have come off the streets from drugs and sniffing glue and begging and probably alot worse things, to being in a home where they have consistent meals and a bed to sleep on and clothes and an education...
We were able to teach all levels and all classes - Math, English, Science, Geography, P.E., CRE (Christian Religious Education)and Health. It was really awesome.

I wasnt sure how these kids were going to accept us, but surprisingly, they connected to us almost immediately, and they were so affectionate and loving! :) it was great to be welcomed that way! Especially after leaving all our babies at the orphanage.

We visited some other orphanages there in Eldoret,and the second week, we got an opportunity to actually teach at the Bible College we stayed at. We were teaching 13 students about how to make lesson plans in Christian Education. That was pretty neat, and I actually learned how much i love teaching adults/college/post college age.

Anyways, after all the teaching and visiting orphanages and a church and a school, we got to do some SHOPPING!! :) i LOVE the souveniers i got for everyone, and it ended being alot more stuff than i intended!! :) I just couldnt stop!!! haha. and things were quite inexpensive if you just learned to bargain! We are MASTER BARGAINERS!! If only we could bargain in the states! hah...

So After leaving ElDoret, we're back here in Nairobi... spending one last day here, then onto the airport tonight.
We arrive in London at 7Am tomorrow morning, and we get to spend a few relaxing days there, sightseeing and doing a little shopping..


Over the last few weeks, i've been able to read almost 11 books! WHAT!? Yeah, i'm a nerd, bookworm... so what.

But the books I have read have not only inspired me, but motivated me to change.. I have already implimented some changes that I've seen are necessary for my growth, and I am excited to get home and have more resources. I want to get into counseling again, i want to read more, i want to definitely continue going to church, and i also want to further my education in Theology and possibly music (worhsip.)
We'll see..

I'm a natural worrier, but God has really worked on me here, to know that if he even clothes the beautiful lilies, and feeds the birds daily... what should i worry about? The more intimate I get with God, the more I learn to trust him and rely on Him for EVERYTHING. As cliche as it sounds, its true, and i'm finding it more true every day. I do feel as though this trip has changed me for the better... How can you go to Africa and have a hand in all these things and stay the same? it's just not possible.

So, for now, I shall say my Goodbyes from Africa..
:)

I hope that God is constantly changing you, and you're finding ways to be inspired, and to be an inspiration to motivate change in people and places all around you.
Make a difference. in you, in them, in the world. it's possible, and even the littlest things matter.


With all the love in the world... or at least halfway across it,

Christiana

What a difference!

Right now, we are in a neat little town called Kakamega, in Kenya.

Since i last updated, SO much has happened.


-We've been reuinited with our other half of the team...
*its so good to have them here!! it definitely has completed us!

-We've had an interesting array of foods and stories to share
*most of which Kubwa (or Cody) has a hard time adjusting too, but I'm sure he's enjoying the experience altogether. ;)

-We've had so much laughter it hurts our cheeks and our bellies!!

-We've distributed misquito nets to a village in the bush with an amazing lady we called Miss Martha and her quaint little school.
*encountering her love and passion for Christ has literally changed my life, ruined me for the better.*

-We got to stand in a room with about 35 orphans while they sang literally at the top of their lungs to Jesus, and prayed spontaneously and genuinely to a God that I could see all over them, and whom I believe they sincerely love.
*they loved worshipping so much, that they took us outside to worship and sing and dance and jump and praise even more after their prayer time was over!*

-We got to hike on the side of a cliff to an amazing (and amazingly cold) waterfall, in which we all decided would be a good idea to jump and swim in, even with the risk of hypothermia)

-We got to paint 2 big classrooms and a hallway of a public school
*in which the very very thin paint dripped in 7 out of 8 of our eyes probably every 5 seconds*

-We got to see a SIMBA! (LION)
*she may have been about 300 yards away, but we still saw her!*

-We got to take part in leading an amazing concert hosted by YoungLife in Nairobi, where over 400 people showed up, and we know at least 1 wanted to know more about the Jesus we talked about..
*we saw some amazing dancers, singers, rappers, comdeians, and got to sit in groups with them and talk real life about things that they are going through, and help them.



I wrote on my profile that this has been one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had, and I hope and pray desperately that my children get the opportunity to have love and share love the way i have.

Sometimes i think it hasnt hit me that i'm across the great big globe,
and other times, i almost feel like this is home.

Everything here is amazing. Everything.

I feel like I'm getting closer to God. Through relationships with the team, through every single child's face and smile, through every African that smiles and waves and yells "wazungu!" when we walk by, through the animals, through the hospitality, through the poverty, through the celebrations, through the culture, through the Word of God, through nature, through the day...

I have had one of the most intimate times with Him one day when we were stuffed into a van on a bumpy road, and the song "only you" by David Crowder came on... i closed my eyes and then I was dancing with Him on a mountain top. just us two. He held me like a Father would hold his little girl.. or a Lover would hold his Beloved. It was priceless.

We are at an orphanage now called Mission To The Fatherless, and its amazing.

We still have a few weeks here where we're going to do some YoungLife meetings and help the orphange more, then heading to El Dorat.


Thank you guys again for everything..




I love you.. miss you all... Know this is not in vain.. know that God is here, just as he is there, just as he is the God of you, he is the God of the Africans, and the Asians, and the Australians...

So great.


remember..


Go make a difference!


:)