Changing; 4 quarters for 1 dollar.

You can look at change one of two ways: Positively... or negatively.

Postively: Change is good!I can use change for my benefit, and to help benefit others.
Negatively: Change is inevitable and always leaves everything a mess and leaves me disoriented and having to start all over again.


I think I'm doing a fairly decent job of looking at change in the more positive light.

There's alot that we all need to change, and change is going to come. As weird as this sounds, I'm really looking forward to it.

I've recognized the obvious, that change needs to happen.
I've acknowledged the areas of my life that REALLY need to change.
I've taken steps towards starting to change them.
I'm ready for the change.


Tonight, I had a long overdue date night with my awesome mom. She's quite the novel character, unique, interesting, but beautiful all the same. I talked to her tonight about how I am, which is a rarity for me. When people ask me "how are you" I don't like to say anything except "GREAT!" because it would mean I have to open up again, and most people don't have the time, patience, understanding, or even interest to know... But I do like to talk about what's going on in me every now and then, when I know the person asking really cares.

I told her about some things that have surfaced from the abyss inside me over the past few months, well... years... and about how I've come to realize all of this, and about what I know I need to work on. She shared with me some great insights that I know are true, and I have heard before, especially recently, but have never grasped.

I.e., I can't understand the meaning of being selfish. Not self-absorbed, but selfish in a healthy way..... Acknowledging my NEEDS and wants, VOICING them, and ACTING on them. Not being inconsiderate of others, but being considerate of myself. I just can't seem to understand that. In every area of my life, I've always heard and seen and been taught "selflessness" so that's all I've known.
I don't know the line. I can't distinguish what it means to have 'personal days' without feeling guilty!! I know, I'm messed up.

That's just one of the issues, but its a good one, and one that I know I need to change, and I know can be changed. I've already made slight progress since starting this journey. I repeat, SLIGHT progress.

There's other issues that are deep-rooted and painful and confusing to me, because the synapses in my brain arent working right when it comes to comprehending ideas of 'love' or 'abandonment' or 'independence' or 'self-love' and then how it all comes into conjunction with Christ, the Word, the Church, relationships... ugh. It's all so confusing to me.

I haven't stopped thinking about Africa, and still, in my head, I still think of African words before I think of English words, and I don't stop thinking about my precious little ones at the orphanages, schools and rescue center. I was driving the other day, and for a split second, it hit me that "I really just got back from AFRICA. Like, Seriously, just got on a plane, flew to A continent halfway across the world, for TWO MONTHS, and just came back from that. woah" and the same amount of time it took to come into my head is the same amount of time it took to leave it. I still am not sure how to process all of this.

A good friend who has been to Africa before told me that she doesnt think it will actually hit me for about 6 months. 6 MONTHS!?? WHAT IN THE WORLD! But it makes sense.... Right now the team is getting readjusted to American life without becoming complacent and still having the burn in our hearts and minds and spirits of the whole trip, the whole experience. I think there should be a support group for this kinda stuff lol.

But anyways, I just wanted to update, and let everyone know where I'm at incase you saw any funny status updates on facebook and were wondering what was going on.

I am hopeful and curious and non-anxious about what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months, and will definitely keep updating.


From the sounds of it, good things in music should be coming up soon, too. :D Thank God. I just wanna sing. that's all. And hopefully make a difference somewhere, somehow doing it.


Anyways, remember to make a difference in someones day today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next.... I'm sure if you're reading this, you've probably made one in mine, so Thanks! Seriously.




Love love love


Christiana

Readjusting

How do you really readjust to life the "way it was" when you've just experienced something life altering??
I guess you really can't.. I don't think you're meant too.

I know that I can't be the same.

My life since we got back from Africa has been......... i don't really know.
I'm trying hard not to fall back into the old ways of life - rushing around non stop, not taking time for me, doing doing doing doing doing, filling my schedule, being late, wishin i had more hours in a day, being in a constant state of worry...
I dont want to be that any more.

Africa taught me so many things... one of which is that you really don't have time to waste time, and the best way to use that, is sometimes wasting time. Especially with God.

I read an amazing book that has really changed my life in a lot of ways - "Into Abba's Arms" by Sandra D. Wilson, and one thing she wisely stated was, "it's OKAY to waste time with God."
What a cool statement... that God has all the time in the world, literally, and we have the time to waste it with Him. As a matter of fact, who says its really "wasting" time anyways, when its possibly the greatest investment of your time?

Thats one thing I learned. I also learned some time management as weird as that is. I seem to be not rushing around any more.. In Kenya, I heard a saying from a wise man - "No hurry, no worry." That's SO true. If you're not rushing and hurrying everywhere and with everything you do, you won't have to worry... you can actually enjoy what youre doing when you're doing it. There was one time at an orphanage in Kakamega, Kenya, when we had probably the most slow-paced 2 weeks during the whole trip, and alot of people might get frusterated at the slowness, but I loved everything being pole pole (slow). I loved being able to just walk around, watch people, write in my journal, talk, think, pray, read.... I loved it. So I guess now that I'm back, I've kinda calmed down a bit on all my hurriedness. It just makes sense. Leave more cushion time for things you do, and you wont have to rush, and you can look around you and really feel things, use all your senses, and not be numb.

Of course, getting back to work, getting back to the making appointments and meeting up and being certain places at certain times is something that I have to do in this culture, just like we had to wear long skirts and eat alot of food in the African culture. I'm okay with it for now, just taking things a day at a time.
My best friend told me that something clicked to her one time over the summer...

That in scripture, in Psalms, it says "Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path", and she said she realized that it could possibly mean that God is the light for our feet, and the path to where we're going, like holding a flashlight. It helps you to see, but not very far ahead, and not very much around you, just one step at a time, one foot in front of the other... I am taking life back in the states that way.... One day, one step, one foot at a time... And so far, its working, because all I can really do is trust that God knows, even if I dont.


I want to continue to make a difference in peoples lives, here, and in Africa, and wherever I go...
I want to be the person that stands true to their word when they say they're going to do something like "go back" or "send letters" or "donate."


I hope that you are somehow challenged in your life to do the same... make a difference somewhere, in some way.

There's more than just you in this planet, just like there's more than just me... and we are here for each other... really.


So what will it be today? What about tomorrow?


Nakupenda sana

All Good Things Come To An End.... Do They Really?

So here I sit, my last day in Africa.... trying to reflect, and feeling myself get quite emotional...You know that feeling you get in your stomach that kinda builds up to towards your chest, then your throat... yeah its that one.


As ready as I am to go home and have had quite enough of squattie potties and fatty beef and bumpy roads.... I think I'm really... REALLY sad about leaving.. Seems paradoxical. There have been some really really great times that I will never forget, and there have also been some times that I wish I could forget, but have shaped me all the same.

Since I last wrote, we have had a a good time.. i can tell that everyone here is getting QUITE comfortable with each other and you know the closer you are with people, it can get pretty ugly at times. But its also good because of the friendships that are being created. It was really hard to say goodbye to the other team, because we built some really great friendships there, and didnt want to see that part of the group leave. I know that they were such a great and important part of the team that wouldnt have been without them! They brought so much life and laughter to the group and I know to Africa!!

A few days later, when we had to painfully rip ourselves out of the arms of the children at the orphange... that was a whole different story. Spending 2 whole weeks, day in and day out with these amazing kids - living their lives, experiencing everything they experienced, learning their culture and language, digging into their lives, getting to know them, and letting them inside our hearts - was incredible. There were so many children there at the orphanage that it was hard to spend enough time with each one, but there were certain children that each of us were drawn to, and ended up falling hard for them... in my case, there were a few, but two in particular. One was a teenage boy named Duncan, and a teenage girl named Princess Diana. (Her mom named her Princess Diana in memory of the real princess Diana the year she died) They all seem alot younger than they really are, because they are a tad malnourished and dont have the nutrients to grow like kids in other countries. Duncan, who was 15, looked as though he was about 13, and Diana looked about 11 or 12. They were both very intelligent, and both so loving. Diana absolutely caught my heart and made her home there. Duncan took a bit longer, but towards the end of the two weeks, he started referring to me as Mommy and Cody as Daddy. Princess referred to me as Queen Christiana and Cody as King Kubwa. The letters the kids wrote to us were heart wrenching, and there were so many tears shed. I am about to burst out crying right now just thinking about them and the way Duncan, a 15 year old boy, prideful and all, fell on me and hugged me tighter than ever, and wept into my shirt.. and Diana's tears streaming down her face, asking me not to leave.

It broke my heart more than anything.. I hate goodbyes anyways, no matter if they're short or if they're forever. I HATE goodbyes. I hate leaving people, and I hate when people leave me. could have something to do with my abandonment issues, but thats another story.

Anyways, so i cried for about 30 minutes after we left the orphanage, and once we got to Eldoret, things were a bit different. We were pretty busy every day with different things:

the first few days, we worked at a Rescue Centre for Street Children. That was pretty amazing, seeing kids who have come off the streets from drugs and sniffing glue and begging and probably alot worse things, to being in a home where they have consistent meals and a bed to sleep on and clothes and an education...
We were able to teach all levels and all classes - Math, English, Science, Geography, P.E., CRE (Christian Religious Education)and Health. It was really awesome.

I wasnt sure how these kids were going to accept us, but surprisingly, they connected to us almost immediately, and they were so affectionate and loving! :) it was great to be welcomed that way! Especially after leaving all our babies at the orphanage.

We visited some other orphanages there in Eldoret,and the second week, we got an opportunity to actually teach at the Bible College we stayed at. We were teaching 13 students about how to make lesson plans in Christian Education. That was pretty neat, and I actually learned how much i love teaching adults/college/post college age.

Anyways, after all the teaching and visiting orphanages and a church and a school, we got to do some SHOPPING!! :) i LOVE the souveniers i got for everyone, and it ended being alot more stuff than i intended!! :) I just couldnt stop!!! haha. and things were quite inexpensive if you just learned to bargain! We are MASTER BARGAINERS!! If only we could bargain in the states! hah...

So After leaving ElDoret, we're back here in Nairobi... spending one last day here, then onto the airport tonight.
We arrive in London at 7Am tomorrow morning, and we get to spend a few relaxing days there, sightseeing and doing a little shopping..


Over the last few weeks, i've been able to read almost 11 books! WHAT!? Yeah, i'm a nerd, bookworm... so what.

But the books I have read have not only inspired me, but motivated me to change.. I have already implimented some changes that I've seen are necessary for my growth, and I am excited to get home and have more resources. I want to get into counseling again, i want to read more, i want to definitely continue going to church, and i also want to further my education in Theology and possibly music (worhsip.)
We'll see..

I'm a natural worrier, but God has really worked on me here, to know that if he even clothes the beautiful lilies, and feeds the birds daily... what should i worry about? The more intimate I get with God, the more I learn to trust him and rely on Him for EVERYTHING. As cliche as it sounds, its true, and i'm finding it more true every day. I do feel as though this trip has changed me for the better... How can you go to Africa and have a hand in all these things and stay the same? it's just not possible.

So, for now, I shall say my Goodbyes from Africa..
:)

I hope that God is constantly changing you, and you're finding ways to be inspired, and to be an inspiration to motivate change in people and places all around you.
Make a difference. in you, in them, in the world. it's possible, and even the littlest things matter.


With all the love in the world... or at least halfway across it,

Christiana