And now....

So, a month and 2 days after the big day...
A week after an incredible youth retreat where I was wrecked...
Ending a 21 day juice fast....

its so strange... I feel... Something I can't quite describe.
I'm not sad...
I'm not lonely...
I'm not unhappy...
I'm not upset...

Im in the wake of a years worth of planning for one huge perfect day.. And now its over. I think about our wedding day every day... Thats not an exaggeration either. I think about our incredible honey moon every day. I think about mission trips I've been on, every day. I think about leading people to Christ every day. I think about what my purpose is every day.
I think I have a holy discontent. I think that would be an appropriate description.
I feel like Theres such an urgency in my Spirit to be doing what I was specifically made for, and I'm not doing that. I mean I am loving people and myself, I am being obedient to God, I am serving, I am doing my due diligence.... But I feel like thats not quite it.
I feel like I'm sitting on talents and gifts that God has given me.
I feel like people are dying and I could be helping bring them back to life. I don't  want to be mistaken- I am So SO grateful for what I have and where God has me, but I almost feel guilty because I'm not making any forward progress to what I was created for.

I was created to create.
I was created to worship.
I was created for relationship.
I was created to see transformation.
I was created to build up.
I was created to go.
I was created to share.
I was created to love deeply.

Im sure I feel the same as millions of other people in corporate America... And christians in corporate America at that... Trapped by there curse of toiling and laboring for my food. Trapped by needing food to live. But I'm not really living when I'm toiling just to survive...

To be honest I feel like I'm not making a difference. Everyone wants to make a difference somehow. And I don't feel like I'm in a place where I'm doing that.. 

.......