Changing; 4 quarters for 1 dollar.

You can look at change one of two ways: Positively... or negatively.

Postively: Change is good!I can use change for my benefit, and to help benefit others.
Negatively: Change is inevitable and always leaves everything a mess and leaves me disoriented and having to start all over again.


I think I'm doing a fairly decent job of looking at change in the more positive light.

There's alot that we all need to change, and change is going to come. As weird as this sounds, I'm really looking forward to it.

I've recognized the obvious, that change needs to happen.
I've acknowledged the areas of my life that REALLY need to change.
I've taken steps towards starting to change them.
I'm ready for the change.


Tonight, I had a long overdue date night with my awesome mom. She's quite the novel character, unique, interesting, but beautiful all the same. I talked to her tonight about how I am, which is a rarity for me. When people ask me "how are you" I don't like to say anything except "GREAT!" because it would mean I have to open up again, and most people don't have the time, patience, understanding, or even interest to know... But I do like to talk about what's going on in me every now and then, when I know the person asking really cares.

I told her about some things that have surfaced from the abyss inside me over the past few months, well... years... and about how I've come to realize all of this, and about what I know I need to work on. She shared with me some great insights that I know are true, and I have heard before, especially recently, but have never grasped.

I.e., I can't understand the meaning of being selfish. Not self-absorbed, but selfish in a healthy way..... Acknowledging my NEEDS and wants, VOICING them, and ACTING on them. Not being inconsiderate of others, but being considerate of myself. I just can't seem to understand that. In every area of my life, I've always heard and seen and been taught "selflessness" so that's all I've known.
I don't know the line. I can't distinguish what it means to have 'personal days' without feeling guilty!! I know, I'm messed up.

That's just one of the issues, but its a good one, and one that I know I need to change, and I know can be changed. I've already made slight progress since starting this journey. I repeat, SLIGHT progress.

There's other issues that are deep-rooted and painful and confusing to me, because the synapses in my brain arent working right when it comes to comprehending ideas of 'love' or 'abandonment' or 'independence' or 'self-love' and then how it all comes into conjunction with Christ, the Word, the Church, relationships... ugh. It's all so confusing to me.

I haven't stopped thinking about Africa, and still, in my head, I still think of African words before I think of English words, and I don't stop thinking about my precious little ones at the orphanages, schools and rescue center. I was driving the other day, and for a split second, it hit me that "I really just got back from AFRICA. Like, Seriously, just got on a plane, flew to A continent halfway across the world, for TWO MONTHS, and just came back from that. woah" and the same amount of time it took to come into my head is the same amount of time it took to leave it. I still am not sure how to process all of this.

A good friend who has been to Africa before told me that she doesnt think it will actually hit me for about 6 months. 6 MONTHS!?? WHAT IN THE WORLD! But it makes sense.... Right now the team is getting readjusted to American life without becoming complacent and still having the burn in our hearts and minds and spirits of the whole trip, the whole experience. I think there should be a support group for this kinda stuff lol.

But anyways, I just wanted to update, and let everyone know where I'm at incase you saw any funny status updates on facebook and were wondering what was going on.

I am hopeful and curious and non-anxious about what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months, and will definitely keep updating.


From the sounds of it, good things in music should be coming up soon, too. :D Thank God. I just wanna sing. that's all. And hopefully make a difference somewhere, somehow doing it.


Anyways, remember to make a difference in someones day today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next.... I'm sure if you're reading this, you've probably made one in mine, so Thanks! Seriously.




Love love love


Christiana